i'm a hazard to myself (don't let me get me)
by Kolbie Ru-Ru
Summary: Sometimes, it feels like nothing he does matters or ever will matter because it's all already been played out before, and Tooru has fallen into his role perfectly. OR: An OC is reborn as Oikawa Tooru and does his damn best.
1. Birthday, Tobio, Iwa-chan, Love

**Notes: Title from "Don't Let Me Get Me" by P!NK. Posting this basically so my readers know I still live! I post my progress on fic as well as misc. drabbles & excerpts on tumblr, so if you're worried about me, you can always check there. tumblrs: kolbiethewriter (for fic in general) & phantom-pain-in-my-ass (for bdfmn specific stuff)**

* * *

**Birthday**

"Tch. Knew I'd find you here," Hajime says, snagging the empty swing next to Oikawa when he doesn't respond beyond a small smile. Not a fake one, but not nearly genuine enough to appease Hajime - or to convince him that this time is any different from the rest.

He looks at Oikawa, noting the absence of tear tracks or any sort of wetness on his cheeks. The sadness that weighs him down like a physical thing on _this_ day is there, though, as is the horrible, gut-wrenching feeling that Oikawa could fade away at any moment, as transient and fleeting as a ghost.

As if Hajime would _ever_ let that happen.

"Iwa-chan," Oikawa breaks the heavy silence, still not looking at him, "do you believe in reincarnation?"

Any other time and Hajime would scoff, would mock Oikawa for asking such a silly question, would tease him and tell him his karma is so awful that he'd probably become a dung beetle in his next life, and it would serve him right.

Now, he gives the question due consideration, leaving the pondering of why Oikawa would ask such a thing for later. "I don't know. Maybe. I don't think it's impossible, anyway," he answers, and privately, he thinks being reincarnated with Oikawa wouldn't be such a bad thing. A headache and a half, certainly, but spending eternity with his best friend, even if they forget everything each cycle...

It makes death less of a scary consequence, at any rate, if he thinks there's a chance Oikawa would find him eventually afterward.

"But what if something goes wrong?" Oikawa asks next.

"Like what?"

He clarifies, "What if their memories aren't erased? They've died and moved onto their next life, but the slate hasn't been wiped clean. For some reason, they still remember everything."

And again, Hajime doesn't demand answers because this seems important to Oikawa, even if he doesn't know why. "It would suck," is his conclusion, after some thought, and it's this that finally makes Oikawa look at him.

"Wouldn't it?" he asks, and it's mystifyingly bitter. "It would be terribly lonely. _You're _the one who died, you drift away secure in the knowledge that your loved ones will mourn you but that they'll eventually move on, you're expecting a peaceful rest where nothing will hurt anymore, and suddenly, you're reborn, and it's as if _they're _the ones who died, they're the ones who've gone off to someplace where you can't ever see or touch or speak to them again." His voice breaks on those last words, hands trembling where they're wrapped around the chains of the swing, and grief steals over his face, harsh and unforgiving.

"Oikawa…" Hajime says, bewildered and alarmed and concerned, wanting nothing more than to wipe that look off his best friend's face. Something so desolate and pained doesn't belong there, not on a face more suited to impish smiles and smug smirks and ridiculous pouts.

"Just how evil does a person have to be to get saddled with such an awful reward when they die?" Oikawa asks, almost pleading, and suddenly Hajime understands what this is about, kind of.

Not the context, but- Oikawa is looking for reassurance and comfort, and while not an expert in providing such things normally, Hajime is well versed in doing these things for Oikawa, who is special enough (in both a good and bad way) that Hajime has taught himself how out of sheer necessity.

"Maybe it's not about being evil or not evil," Hajime says, each word measured and calm as he contemplates how to get his point across. "Maybe it's not a mistake either. Leaving loved ones behind sucks, but if you think about it, couldn't keeping your memories be seen as an opportunity?"

Startled, Oikawa just stares at him, expression unreadable.

Fumbling for a good explanation of his thoughts, he goes on, "Not necessarily a good or bad opportunity. Just- a second chance. Maybe.. it's what you make of it." He shrugs helplessly, not sure whether he's even making sense.

But… something of what he said must have gotten through to Oikawa, who gapes at him, thoroughly shocked. After an endless moment, he laughs, and fortunately, there's nothing bitter about it, the sound clear and happy and wondering.

"As expected, Iwa-chan knew exactly what to say, despite having no idea what was going on," Oikawa says, and his brown eyes are almost _too _warm and affectionate as they land on him, enough so to make Hajime flush in a weird mix of embarrassment and pleasure. "It's what you make of it, huh?" he repeats quietly to himself, and as Hajime watches, that inexplicable and uncharacteristic sadness is replaced with inflexible steel and the fiery determination Oikawa usually reserves for the court.

"Isn't it always?" Hajime asks, relaxing as he always does when Oikawa goes into the 'zone' - because whatever the hell this was, Oikawa's decided he's going to move forward, that he's going to _win _against some unbeatable odd, no matter what, and as usual, Hajime has absolute faith that Oikawa's going to succeed. Especially when Oikawa rewards him with that confident smirk he's used to seeing right before Oikawa leads their team to victory.

They share a long look-

(_thank you, iwa-chan_

_as if i'd leave you alone, idiot)_

-but of course, the moment is ruined.

"Aww, Iwa-chan, were you worried about me~?" Oikawa practically sings, impish grin back in place, like it never left.

Hajime can feel his eye twitching. "Who would be worried about a shitty guy like you?"

"Rude!"

-o-

**Tobio**

He knows about Kageyama Tobio well before they ever meet in person, and-

He _already resents him._

It's petty and childish of him, especially when he _knows_ how hard Tobio works - _will work _\- for his skill, when he knows how hard things become for him later on because he's a budding genius who doesn't know how to work with others or even what the limits of his abilities are, who ends up floundering under expectations and misunderstandings and misplaced anger, who ends up alone and _abandoned_, when he knows Tobio will eventually change from a bright-eyed kouhai, willing and eager to learn, to a closed off, angry mess of a person who has to be coaxed out of his shell by a blindingly bright ball of sunshine known as Hinata Shouyo and the rest of Karasuno.

He knows very well what kind of person Tobio is and all about his struggles both internal and external, but here's the thing: it doesn't change anything.

It's _strange _because he even considered Tobio to be a favorite character once upon a time, but every time he so much as remembers that it makes embarrassment and anger coil in his gut, followed by a sense of furious helplessness.

He's helpless against his own inferiority and envy, helpless against the impenetrable wall looming between them growing more and more every day called talent, helpless against the tides of destiny and fate-

Sometimes, it feels like nothing he does matters or ever will matter because it's all already been played out before, and Tooru has fallen into his role perfectly.

But it's _not a role_ because he was his own person before he was Oikawa Tooru, and he's _still _that person. They just happen to be alike in every way that matters, and it's _crushing_ knowing that Iwa-chan would befriend an Oikawa who was not _him_, that his family would love and spoil and indulge a different Tooru, that his team would put their unwavering faith in a different captain. Just as long as they were similar, even if they weren't the same.

The things that _does_ to his self-esteem, to his already complicated feelings about his own existence… Life would go on even if he wasn't _him_, and realizing that, Tooru has never felt more unnecessary, more like he doesn't belong, more like a cog in a machine, easily replaceable, utterly forgettable, and wholly unexceptional.

Tooru wants to be _special_ to someone, _anyone_, but Oikawa Tooru's legacy hangs over him, dogging his every step, like a bad aftertaste or a particularly persistent kouhai. What's worse is that he knows he will continue on this path, even if it _has_ been predetermined because both of them share the inability to give up or give in especially in the face of insurmountable odds.

Oikawa Tooru- _Neither _of them are quitters.

Not even when they _should _be.

Tooru knows that eventually Tobio will surpass him, and he doesn't need a manga from another life to tell him. He can see it almost immediately after Tobio joins the team, and it's almost terrifying how much potential the kid has. More than terror, though, or envy or awe, all Tooru can feel is an ugly, festering bitterness that seeps into his very bones.

It's _this _part of him that can't feel sympathy for Tobio because not even Tooru is capable of being so cruel to someone else out of mere pettiness. He can be petty and often delights in it, but this is fury and helplessness and hatred fueling his sick satisfaction at knowing Tobio has only strife ahead of him for a few years.

It's this tumult of emotions combined with his similarly complicated feelings about Ushiwaka and riding on a fresh defeat that see Tooru losing control and taking a swing at his fellow teammate (and future undoing.)

And then Iwa-chan is there, and Tobio is all but forgotten as (almost) everything he's been holding back explodes out of him in a rush of heated words and a trembling voice and terroranguishenvyguiltguiltguilt.

Iwa-chan's words save him in the end. Iwa-chan is _always _saving him, it seems, and this at least is something Tooru has never felt conflicted over.

This Iwa-chan is _his _Iwa-chan, after all, and no possible alternate, no matter how closely they resemble Tooru, will ever treasure this Iwa-chan as much as he does.

Tooru's gratitude and adoration are infinite. Anything less _would_ be a paltry imitation.

-o-

**Iwa-chan**

He loves Iwa-chan from the very first.

He is expecting awkwardness and disconnect (because Tooru is all of six years old, but six years plus a past life he hardly remembers does nothing to diminish his social anxiety) and not being good enough (because he is still struggling with being the same person but different; with filling someone else's too large shoes; with living up to the image of Oikawa in his head, sociable and popular and everything he is not).

What he gets is a reluctantly amused smile, an outstretched hand, an offer of friendship that will last a lifetime. What he gets is grand adventures, a trusty partner in childhood games, mockery for his fear of bugs but a willingness to relocate or kill any that manage to sneak into his room or on his person. What he gets is a shared love of volleyball, countless afternoons practicing together, a teammate who would follow him anywhere.

What he gets is love returned, weaknesses bared between them, arms forever ready to catch him when he stumbles and falls.

What he gets is _Iwa-chan_, and Tooru could ask for nothing better.

-o-

**Love**

Loving Oikawa is easy. What's difficult is not being able to love Oikawa. Not because of society or bigots or consideration for their futures, either, though those are definitely things Hajime has considered at length.

No, it's because Oikawa doesn't date, period. He decided at a young age that he wouldn't date until he was at least twenty, and no amount of tearful confessions or friendly cajoling has swayed him. And Hajime knows that not even being the closest person to him in the world (arrogant, maybe, but hardly presumptuous; Oikawa is that for him too) would change his mind. Oddly enough, this is one of those things that Oikawa has arbitrarily decided and will stubbornly stick to no matter how strange or inconvenient it might be to him or to others.

And it _is _strange and _very _inconvenient for Hajime, at least. Sometimes he feels as though he might burst from the weight of the feelings inside him, and during such times, it becomes very difficult not to simply blurt out a confession to Oikawa, and damn the consequences. At least then Oikawa would _know_, and it wouldn't feel like there was this giant thing between them or an elephant in the room.

But every time he feels that way, he bites his tongue, swallows it all back down, and finds some excuse to leave and work through his frustrations via volleyball or some video game. Because Oikawa is serious about the dating thing; he can tell. And Hajime isn't about to add stress to his best friend when Oikawa already heaps ungodly amounts on himself anyway. It'd be a shitty thing to do.

No, Hajime will wait. Not _patiently_, but he's doing his best and counting down the days until he can look Oikawa in the eye and tell him how he really feels.

'Til then, he'll (continue to) be the best damn friend he can be and support Oikawa with everything he is while _also_ making sure the dumbass doesn't overexert himself. Again.

* * *

**End Notes: Confession: I've never read the manga or watched the anime. Hopefully, it's not too obvious. I was curious about the internal struggle a person would have if they happened to be all but identical to the character they were replacing and basically spawned all this.**

**Uhh about the age thing: adults dating teenagers is gross & Oikawa ain't having it. Also also he has no idea Iwa is in love with him. His love is entirely platonic (c'mon, Iwa's a baby rn; everyone under 20 are infants don't me) **

**This is marked complete, but I might add more later. ;)**


	2. Summer, Hero

**Summer**

The wet sand squelches between his toes, refreshingly cool for all that he'll be cursing its very existence later. He just stands there a moment and breathes, taking in the lazy breeze, the squawks of seagulls, and the crash of the waves. Then-

Laughter. Delighted, joyful laughter washes over him pleasantly, and already, the corners of his lips are quirking up, helpless against the infectious happiness of this one person.

Opening his eyes, he turns around and spots Oikawa kneeling in the sand, his arms curled around his bare stomach and tears leaking from his eyes as he laughs. Hajime follows Oikawa's line of sight, and he can't help his own laugh once he finds what set him off.

Matsukawa had dozed off after he and Hajime had spent a few hours attempting (and failing, horribly) to boogie board, tired from both that and volleyball practice that morning, and once Matsukawa falls asleep, it's almost impossible to wake him, bar throwing water on his face or one of the other various (nefarious) methods Hanamaki has gleefully employed to wake him on overnight trips.

Apparently, Oikawa had not wasted the opportunity, either. Hajime walks over and properly appreciates the shockingly detailed mermaid tail and seashell top Oikawa had sculpted over his captive model.

Oikawa, finally calming down, falls back on his ass and asks, breathless, "What do you think of my masterpiece, Iwa-chan?"

His eyes are practically sparkling with mischief, mouth curved into an impish grin, and it takes nearly all of Hajime's willpower not to lean over and kiss him right then and there.

Instead, he glances over Matsukawa again and says, "I'm impressed you managed to give him D-cups." There's more sand on Matsukawa's chest than anywhere else, it seems. How is he even breathing under all that weight?

"He said his ideal girl had _at least_ a D-cup, Iwa-chan. How could I not deliver?" Oikawa asks, fluttering his lashes, and it's so _stupid_, he's not even _flirting_, just being obnoxious as usual, but still, Hajime's dumbass heart kicks into high gear.

Then what Oikawa said sinks in. He snorts. "Are you implying Matsukawa's ideal girl is a mermaid version of himself?"

"I'm not _implying _anything. We all know Matsun's in love with his own reflection. I just added an extra feature," he defends himself, and Hajime is surprised he doesn't choke on the hypocrisy.

Before he can say so, they're interrupted by another burst of laughter, this one also familiar, and as one, they turn to find Hanamaki pointing at Matsukawa and looking like his entire day has just been made.

"He looks so stupid!" he barely gets out, fumbling to pull his phone out of his pocket and take a picture. "Oh man, I need to immortalize this forever. This is great. I'm never letting him live this down."

"Isn't he beautiful?" Oikawa chimes in, smug.

"Never?" Hajime asks, quirking a brow judgmentally.

Apparently satisfied with his photo, Hanamaki, also irritatingly smug, explains, "He let me walk around an entire _day _with my shirt on inside out, and he only told me once I was about to get off the train home. He has _pictures_. This is nothing less than he deserves."

The other brow rises to join its brother. "You know this isn't that bad, right?" he asks the both of them.

"Of course it's not! _I_ would make a lovely mermaid," Oikawa says immediately. "But I'm sure if we shame him enough, he'll get embarrassed and be unable to bear the ridicule." He holds a hand out for a high five, and without looking, Hanamaki gives him one.

"It's our solemn duty as friends to instill a sense of shame in our other friends and properly roast them for it," he adds, like any of that makes sense or isn't an objectively awful thing to say. Behind him, Oikawa nods in agreement.

Hajime looks from one unrepentant jackass to the other and then gives up. Sighing, he wonders aloud, "Why do I put up with you."

His breath catches in his throat at the cheeky grin Oikawa shoots him. "Because you love me, of course!" he chirps, blindingly bright, and Hajime feels lightheaded with the truth of it, unable to come up with a retort.

He manages to scoff convincingly enough that Oikawa laughs it off, twirling around with the declaration, "I'm going to give him some long, luscious hair too! Can't be a mermaid without it!" He grabs a bucket and runs back to the shore for more wet sand, cackling all the way.

Hajime watches him go, eyes following him without any conscious input.

"Damn, you're smitten," Hanamaki says, somehow both commiserating and making fun of his plight. At Hajime's snort, he offers, "At least there's only two years left on his weird ban?"

Two years at this point feels like an eternity, but- "Yeah," he agrees and lets the carefully guarded hope bloom through him, warming him from the inside out. "Only two more years."

On the shore, Oikawa screams, upends his bucket over something - a crab? - and backs away only to visibly startle when the crab escapes. He loses his footing, falls back in the shallow water, and gets immediately hit with a wave.

Jogging over to check on the dumbass, Hanamaki's mocking laughter loud behind him, he grins and doesn't stop even when an indignant Oikawa tackles him into another wave for it.

(Matsukawa wakes up later, looks at Oikawa filming him, looks down at his sand body, which is no longer an actual body and has upgraded to a mound of sand covering everything except his head, and says, deadpan, "I am the sand guardian, guardian of the sand."

Without missing a beat, Hanamaki drops to his knees in view of the camera and shouts, "Poseidon quivers before him!"

Grinning like an idiot, Oikawa hastily circles around behind them, capturing the back of Matsukawa's sand mound and the ocean in front of him.

Obligingly, Matsukawa yells, "Fuck off!"

Oikawa and Hanamaki lose whatever composure they'd scraped together during, breaking into snorting laughter, and Hajime continues to pretend that he doesn't know any of them.)

-o-

**Hero**

He parts ways with Iwa-chan at his front door, giving him a wan smile and wishing him a good night. Were this any other night, he knows that Iwa-chan would force his way inside and try to aggressively mother him, just the way he's done after other defeat or low moment, would keep him company and distract him with movies and junk food and rehashing dumb arguments they've had a million times, would make him feel better in that Iwa-chan way that absolutely no one else has come close to managing.

This isn't any other night, though, and after a cursory glance, Iwa-chan nods, returns the sentiment, and walks away, not looking back even once.

Once he hears Iwa-chan's front door close, Tooru drops the smile, steps fully inside, and closes his own door, thoughts he's been beating back since that final buzzer finally allowed to run free.

They lost to Karasuno. They lost to _Tobio_. They lost their last chance to defeat Shiratorizawa, to beat Ushiwaka, to win _just once _before graduating, just like they were supposed to. Despite every effort of Tooru's, despite _promising_ himself that he would lead his team to victory, despite everything.

Distantly glad that his parents are already asleep, Tooru slides down to collapse on the floor, leans his head back against the door, and stares unseeingly at the dark ceiling overhead.

In the end, he didn't change anything. Small things, maybe. The gap between scores because he knew his opponents' weaknesses and strategies beforehand, steering teammates towards positions and moves he knew they'd be good at, befriending Iwa-chan and Makki and Mattsun right away because he knew they'd get along. But nothing that truly mattered, in the end.

A side character will always be a side character. Oikawa Tooru was only ever meant to be Karasuno's - Tobio's - stepping stone. Shame on him for thinking things might be different, he supposes. For thinking he could do any better than the original, who he _knew_ never gave anything less than his best.

He was arrogant, and his team paid for it. No, he knows better. Knew better. He didn't go into that game thinking _he_ was the sole deciding factor, future knowledge or no. He'd just been confident in his team, had been sure they would win because all of them were that good. He hadn't let himself contemplate any other outcome, and so the defeat is twice as harsh, doubly heartrending. A literal upset.

In that instant, Karasuno had the better six, and so they won. There's no point dwelling on it or thinking of what ifs. And yet-

Beneath the anger and frustration, Tooru is just tired. Tired of always, _always_ coming up short. Tired of never being enough. Tired of working himself to the point of _injury_ and having nothing to show for it. Tired of having to defend himself to _fucking _Ushiwaka.

He's just- tired.

(His only reprieve from this ever-present exhaustion he feels in his _soul_ is the fact that he no longer has a set script to follow. He lost interest in the show after the fictional Seijoh's defeat and never really regained it. He has a vague idea of what will happen to _Karasuno_ \- and he is _not_ thinking about their match against Shiratorizawa; he doesn't have the mental or emotional strength to decide how he feels about that right now - but the other Oikawa's fate is a mystery.

He has never been more glad _not_ to know something. Never felt so _relieved_ at the uncertainty of tomorrow, but right now, it's the only thing keeping him moderately together.)

He takes in a deep breath, exhales slowly, tries not to think. Tries not to think that today had been his last official game as captain. Tries not to think about his team's downcast faces or Iwa-chan's tears. Tries not to think about not being on a team with Iwa-chan ever again-

His next breath comes out as a sob. He puts a trembling hand over his mouth, wary of waking his parents, but the tears keep coming, choking little gasps escaping as he curls into himself, suddenly viscerally aware of the weight of his failures, like a physical thing pressing down on him, impressing harsh words and harsher truths on his bowed back.

_What use are you? _It seems to say, and Tooru has no answer for it. _What have you made of this second chance? _

_What makes you any better than the boy you replaced?_

Absolutely nothing, he knows, and this truth at least he has never denied. Tears leave hot trails down his face, and Tooru thinks, _what _was the_ point_?

Abruptly, the door behind him swings open, and Tooru yelps, his falling back halted by a pair of strong legs.

Dumbly, he tilts his head back and looks up at the owner of said legs. "Iwa-chan…?" he asks, bewildered.

Iwa-chan looks right back at him, dark eyes sweeping over his face and coming to conclusions Tooru would really rather he not. "Shittykawa," he growls, and Tooru hastily sits up, turning his face away, self-conscious.

"How is that any way to greet your best friend?" he admonishes lightly, angling his body even further away when Iwa-chan steps past him, shuts the door, and drops to his knees next to him. "Such a brute, Iwa-chan, this is why you can't get a girlfriend-"

Calloused hands grab hold of his face and forcibly turn his head. He instinctively closes his eyes, bracing for pain, but rather than a headbutt, a soft sigh ghosts over his face.

"You're such a pain," Iwa-chan says, and it's equal parts fond and exasperated.

Tooru peeks with one eye and finds Iwa-chan staring back at him, eyes steady and infinitely patient.

"You already cried so much earlier today. How'd you even have anything left?" he asks, thumb smoothing the puffy skin under Tooru's eye.

He sniffs. "I'm capable of _many_ astounding feats, Iwa-chan. Keep up."

Iwa-chan snorts. "Feats of idiocy, you mean. I can't believe you were just gonna sit here on the _floor_ in the _dark_ and cry _alone_."

"Hmph! I knew Iwa-chan's Tooru senses would tingle, and he would come save me," he says, haughtily.

"Yeah, right."

"Well, you're here now, aren't you?"

"My 'Tooru's being an _idiot'_ senses were tingling," he admits, and Tooru scoffs. Before he can retort, Iwa-chan says, "But you should have come and got me anyway. It's my duty as your best friend to prevent you from listening to that dumb voice in your head. The only voice you _should _be listening to is _mine_."

"And what do _you_ say?" he asks, quirking a brow.

"I say, 'You're a damn good captain and teammate, and you gave it your all today. So what if it wasn't enough? _My _best wasn't enough. Seijoh's best wasn't enough. We did everything we could, so there's nothing to beat yourself up about.'"

"I know _that-_"

"I'd also say, 'You're the best person I know, and someone who inspires me to be better everyday. You work hard, and you never let setbacks keep you down for long. Also you're a dumbass, and you're full of yourself, and you have a shitty personality, and _none_ of that is a dealbreaker for me, so you _have _to be pretty great for me to stick by you, right?'"

Tooru gapes, unable to respond.

"I'd say, 'After everything, you deserved to stand over Ushijima as the victor, and it's not fair that you never got the chance. But I don't need a scorecard to tell me that you're better than him. You always have been, in every way, and you don't have to prove it to me or to him or to yourself, okay? _You're better_.'"

"...Iwa-chan," he murmurs.

He laughs, and his expression is almost unbearably sweet. "Crying again, Crykawa?"

"Iwa-chan," he says again, through tears, wobbly, overwhelmed.

"I'm here," Iwa-chan answers, so, so gently. "I'll always be here, Tooru."

With a choked cry, Tooru throws himself forward, knocking Iwa-chan onto his ass and sprawling all over his lap in the process. "You too," he says, nonsensically. "You, too!"

Laughing, Iwa-chan wraps his arms around him and holds him tightly. "I know," he says, and he _does_ because Iwa-chan has always understood him best. That thought, this _moment_ sparks something, just a flicker of an idea, a promise of something more, something better. Tooru grasps it, keeps it close, hides it away until it has time and room to grow.

With that spark burning inside him, Iwa-chan right here, and his uncertain future ahead of him, Tooru carefully, cautiously allows himself to dream.

* * *

**End Notes: if you're wondering how iwa-chan knew smth was up, it's bc it had been like 10-15 min & oikawa's bedroom light hadn't been switched on **

**I'm currently suffering thru/recovering from a nasty cold & this is the 1st day i was coherent enough to write anything & i wanted cozy/fluffy iwaoi, so here ya go. hope it's not a confusing mess lmao**


End file.
